Very often an adult with ADHD comes alone, without their spouse or partner. They're usually struggling alone. Their partner's unspoken message is "It's your problem. You fix it."
Some of the issues we covered were:
1. ADHD as a positive difference in how our brains work vs. a disorder. How to take advan- tage of the differences and manage the elements of the disorder.
2. Organizing space and materials.
3. Getting to clients and meetings on time. (I'll share Barbara's strategy for this tomorrow.)
4. In passing, issues about intimacy, sex and remaining connected as a couple.
That night there were 10 of us, 4 couples present. The other 2 people were also in relation-ships. Virtually all of us worked in creative fields (TV, music, therapy, teaching, multimedia, etc.) Not one of us with ADHD worked in a standard corporate environment.
Initially, the supportive attendees were all there just to provide "support" to their ADHD partner and learn more about ADHD. As they got more comfortable, they began to open up. It was really interesting to hear the questions the non-ADHD partners had.
Granted, it's not always easy having ADHD. Imagine though what it's like for someone who doesn't, to have a partner who seems to function very well in some/most areas and then not in others. They raise the same kind of questions all over again that I heard as a kid. "Why can't you focus or just try harder?" "How could you misplace/lose the keys/wallet/glassess/ cellphone/bankbook, etc. AGAIN?" "Why did you buy that xxx?" "Why were you late?" "Honey- you forgot the kids!"
Oftentimes we get into an unhealthy relationship where the non-ADHD spouse begins to act like a parent. Go to any ADHD conference and talk to those spouses, they'll tell you that it's like having another kid. And they usually aren't happy about it! Over time, that kind of imbalance and inequality can erode and damage the best relationships.
Frankly, my answers (your answers!) usually don't make sense. I didn't have any good explanations for my actions. At the time I didn't know I had ADHD. And when I was diagnosed I was EXTREMELY SKEPTICAL. I was not one of those hyperactive kids you read about who bounced off the walls and who couldn't sit down for 10 minutes (that was my brother).
The most effective action you can take to treat ADHD is to become very well-educated about it. It's going to take a lot more than reading a magazine article, a book or two or even attending a conference. Sadly, the vast majority of mental health professionals and doctors you will come in contact are woefully ignorant about ADHD. And what they may have learned about it 5 or 10 years ago is out of date.
If you're just beginning to take control and manage this difference, there will be a lot of gaps between where you are today and where your life will/could be tomorrow. Like virtually everyone in our support group meeting, you're probably trying to find the answers and solutions to those gaps.
For you to live the life you dream of, to achieve the success that may have eluded you up until now- you MUST learn HOW ADHD affects you as an individual. You will have to become your own advocate.
In the kind of open environment that our meetings are held, people can ask those kinds of questions. Whether they get satisfactory answers or not, and oftentimes there aren't any, they leave feeling that they aren't alone.
That may not sound like much if you've never attended such a meeting. If you heard what was in those voices as I did- it would be a very big deal!
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